Kara poured herself another glass of ambrosia, proud that she'd been able to go a whole week since the anniversary without thinking about it- everything- too much. Finally, however, the guilt, the pain, the memories took over her being completely, until every thought consumed her with the agony of how badly she'd frakked up, again. Finally, she had to give in, and take another drink.
She knew why the rest of the raptor crew had let her be the keeper of the ambrosia those three years ago, she knew, but on days like these, she didn't frakking care. She was sure there were probably some other bottles of alcoholic substances on some other ship that had landed with them, but she wanted the ambrosia that came from underneath a seat on the raptor. The raptor that took two lives. Yes, she knew Cally could have easily fought for the bottle, although she didn't really strike Kara as the drinking type, because the Chief was gods knew where, on the other side of Earth with the rest of the fleet, along with her son. But she'd given in to Kara without a fight, because Cally hadn't had to do what Kara did, at least not yet- bury her husband.
Sam was one of the two men that died in the raptor crash, and as Kara took another sip from her cup, images of herself dragging his body away from the wreckage while trying not to collapse from her broken leg flashed behind her eyes like a distant flame, She took one more drink, and the pain was gone. She wondered if it was a sin not to mourn her dead husband. Yes, she missed him, and yes, she had loved him, but it wasn't the kind of miss, the kind of love, it should be. She felt a piece of her heart was broken, but it was more the kind of pain and emptiness one felt after losing a very dear friend, not a lover and a life-mate. It wasn't at all like the pain she felt after losing Lee.
She sat down hard on her mattress, a crude cloth filled with grass and leaves, and put her head in her hands, running her fingers through her hair. When would this all go away? How many years, birthdays, anniversaries, would pass until her bottle was gone and she had nothing left to dull the pain? Would she even care by then? Of course she would care. That was the nature of her life. The gods give, she can't realize the gift until it's too late, and frakks it up. Then the gods take away, and she's left with this miserable shit. All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.
"Ain't that the frakkin' truth," she muttered aloud, taking one more drink before capping the bottle and putting it back in it's place on the windowsill.
Case in point- those Adama boys. For all the heartache and long, sleepless nights spent sitting up with tears in her eyes and a cigar in her hand, they had each loved her so much, though she was too blind, stupid, or just plain stubborn to see it. First was Zak, who was good to her, so frakking good it hurt, but she let his innocent love mock her, fool her into making the most stupid mistake of her life. And now Zak was dead.
Then there was Lee. Kara chuckled lightly to herself, despite the gravity of the circumstances. Nothing would ever be easy after Zak, certainly not loving his brother. Kara and Lee, Starbuck and Apollo. Both born fighters, and that's why they clashed- and loved - so easily. There was something there from the very beginning, from the time they were reunited almost two years after the funeral. Something there, a love that could have grown to be maybe even better than Zak's, but she was too blind, too stupid, too stubborn. Lee was just as stubborn and hard-headed as she was, but he was so right, so right that she knew she would frakk it up, somehow, just like she did with Zak. Even when the gods had set in motion a string of events that would lead Kara and Lee to their destinies, to each other, when she finally had a chance- maybe the only chance- to have something right and let it be right, she ran. That night on New Caprica, when promises were made and broken within the span of a night's sleep, she could have had Lee, really had him, maybe even forever. But she ran.
Now, five years after a night spent screaming madness under a blanket of New Caprican sky, Kara Thrace looked out the only window she had and wondered if she'd ever have the chance to run back.
a/n: Ok, I know, no Kara/Lee yet. But it's coming, very soon! :)